S Rains

Slow Day At The News Desk (10 years ago)

In the old ho hum on October 26, 2012 at 9:17 pm

1.

Veggie Arts is proud to announce the launch of its newest venture – a barmy performance at the offices of the Nottingham Evening Post.

The performance is called ‘After this I’m still going to rob your mam’.

In a symbolic re-enactment of the atrocities of September 11th, local 8 year old schoolchildren will be encouraged to climb rickety 20 foot high stepladders made entirely from willow withies.

They will then throw themselves against the gleaming windows of the Post’s newish offices whilst reading phonetic transcripts of mobile phone calls from the doomed flights into cardboard toilet roll holders with a bit of felt-tip and tissue on them.

The patterns that the children’s small, naked, paint-smeared bodies leave on the glass will be photographed with really expensive equipment and the images will form part of a further dance piece by a local youth arts organisation. The piece has the working title of ‘Fuck this, give us an Embassy.’

The performance has received funding of £40,000 from the corrupt and stupid Lottery who would be better off using it to give old age pensioners more Spam.

Veggie Arts staff are unavailable for comment, and will be for some time.

2.

Veggie Arts ecstatically announces the launch of its latest foray into the uncharted psychological hell they call work in The Arts – a barmy, sweat-soaked performance at the offices of the Nottingham Evening Post.

The performance is called ‘Your mam, in drag, at both ends. Y’get meh?’

In a symbolic re-enactment of the horrors of the bombing of Kabul and the subsequent necessary caging of people who have failed to look American, a phalanx of nuns will descend on the paper’s offices singing songs they have written in a series of voice workshops that meant the lunch club lost ten minutes a week for six weeks. The music is likely to have the haunting resonance of Cacharpaya.

The hatchet-wielding brides of Christ will then busy themselves cleaning the filth from the temple and engaging in Greco-Roman wrestling with as many of the junior reporters and youngsters on work-experience as possible. Some will piss on the monitors of randomly selected sub-editors, as a statement of solidarity with AIDS victims who they say don’t deserve it and who live abroad. Others will use the severed limbs of small pets as prosthetic teeth in an attempt to celebrate paedophiles as human beings too.

The project – a collaboration with a local community – will be filmed at ridiculous expense and shown to practically no-one who matters in a series of screenings that aren’t at the Corner House and that don’t have Burger King next door. The film has the working title of ‘Intellect – a silent space.’

The performance has received funding of £500,000 from people who don’t know any better. They should be lined up and shot.

Veggie Arts staff are unavailable for comment, and will be out for some time.

3.

Veggie Arts is pissing itself like Princess Margaret as it announces the launch of its latest attempt to tackle the banalities of everyday life and thought through the exciting new medium of late-night cookery programmes – a barmy, full-on, bring your uncle, hardcore knobfest at the offices of the Nottingham Evening Post.

The performance is called ‘Stick your arts coverage up your stupid bastard arse’.

In a symbolic re-enactment of that bit in ‘Whistle Down The Wind’ where the little lad goes, “You’re not Jesus, you’re just some bloke in our barn,” rampaging berserkers from the Norse wastes will be encouraged to use the severed, foully distended scrotums of old local war heroes – who fought for you and me – stuffed with Air Bombs, as suppositories for the slack, idle scum who’ve got nothing better to do all day than carp, make cheap cracks that only serve to sum up entirely every reason why they should be genetically modified so they never breed, and start populist campaigns about real issues like cats getting stuck up trees or people’s ability to get pissed in the same fucking pub every day for seventy years.

This first wave of righteousness will be quickly followed by the local chapter of disabled male lesbian Hell’s Angels forming drumming circles and networking with an artist in Sheffield that somebody knows and who once made a good joke at a party. There will be other cheap and gimmicky attempts at abstraction through the use of Situationist monkeys strategically positioned to shit from the building’s gutters onto the ineffable, heaving mass of humankind blindly stumbling through the debris of their pointless lives below.

The aftermath of the piece – with a working title of ‘Drugs! No! Yes!’ – will be drawn badly on old shop display boards by people who don’t really have a clue what they’re doing and who couldn’t care less about anybody who lives near them who wasn’t in their class at school.

The performance has received too much funding taken directly from the rusty enamel mug on top of the radiator in the canteen at the Queen’s Medical Centre, the one used for holding the spare change that means people get injections of things harvested from other humans to give them the illusion of health when in fact they’re a financial burden best left next to the skip.

Veggie Arts staff are unavailable for comment, and will be out to lunch for some time.

Bumpy ride ahead for Gove

In Uncategorized on March 26, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Education minister Michael Gove today announced a radical overhaul of the school system in England and Wales.
In a move designed to move teaching and learning back towards the basic principles upheld in the past, he has proposed the abolition of all current baseline testing for 5 and 11 year olds and the replacement of such tests with results based on phrenology.
The move, says Gove, has a firm basis in scientific research. “It will give a clear indication at an early age of what kinds of things learners in schools are likely to achieve. Naturally, we will be on the look out for students with eyes set too closely together or pronounced supraorbital ridges.”
Pupils whose skulls do indeed reveal criminal tendencies will go to ‘special’ schools. These schools will be compulsory and residential. ‘Inmates’ will not be expected to achieve gainful employment upon release at 18, but will be conditioned to feel gratification when helping others, thus helping the unemployed to form a willing cohort of the Big Society, rather than staying at home all day smoking skunk, watching Jeremy Kyle and overusing the word ‘isit’.
Mr Gove, when confronted by an angry parent who accused him of making an uninformed, swingeing decision on the basis of a discredited pseudoscience, was heard by onlookers to reply that it still had the word ‘science’ in the name and was therefore at least worth a go.
Teaching unions have opposed the move. The NASUWT issued a statement stating that teachers would not be willing to sign up to a system based on “reading the bumps on a child’s head”, although they conceded that it might make as much sense as policies such as the Free Schools programme or the currently incessant pressure designed to drive schools towards becoming academies.

Poem for Long Eaton Library

In Uncategorized on February 5, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Wrote this a couple of years ago while booked for a morning working in the library writing poems to order. Seeing as it’s National Save Our Libraries day today…

Poem for Long Eaton Library

We read, not to contradict and refute
But to weigh and consider, as the sun,
Picking out words in lead, walks in beauty
across new pages. The day has begun
for the three muses, just in from shopping,
looking for something to take home. Fiction.
The air rings with the sound of their talking
As they idly finger the whole section.

This is what makes us who we are. The light
Breaking through the dark glass, celebrating
Municipality. Keeping it bright.
The muses stand by the counter, waiting.
Reading maketh a full man. One muse says,
“Is that John Grisham? I’ve read all of his.”